Welcome Back! (?)

Dear Bitches,

Just to remind everyone that tomorrow is the day I shall return. I expect flowers, loud music and tons of vodka. Or a healthy dose of patronage will suffice. Thanks for nothing, fuckers!

love,
micky v.

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Bob Dylan and Joan Baez

I love it when Dylan forgets the lines. Classic.

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Mathematics by Mos Def

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Confessions of a Guappo: The God Complex Continues

Everyone knows that Martin Scorsese is considered one of the greatest living film makers (AND a proud Italian?). He boasts such classics as Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York and the Departed. Aside from creating these masterpieces and molding the careers of folks like Robert De Nero and Leonardo DiCaprio (how many talented goombahs ARE there in Hollywood? Not enough, not enough) he is fully responsible for safer gun laws in America today.

How does a man who creates such horribly violent crime epics act as a key component in safer gun laws, you say? Well, it's simple. Scorsese made Taxi Driver. John Hinckley, Jr was obsessed with Jodi Foster who played an underage whore in Taxi Driver. In order to "impress" Jodi Foster, Hinckley tried to murder Ronald Regan (can't blame him for that one), missed and permanently paralyzed then press secretary James Brady. Brady dedicated his life to gun control as a result and in 1993 passed the Brady Bill under president Bill Clinton. THEREFORE, Scorsese is DIRECTLY responsible for safer gun laws today.

*On a side note, does anyone know who America was named after? A horny little Italian named Amerigo Vespucci- that's who! Is there anything we CAN'T do?
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Of Mice and Menstrual Cramps

What is it with people divulging all of their innermost secrets onto anyone who'll listen? I'm not your friend, roommate or relative so why is it so important for you that I know the monthly pains you suffer due to your placenta or your clitoris or whatever it is up there that shrivels up and dies every four weeks. I don't care. And furthermore, why is it expected of me to be polite when people are giving me these novellas of pain and hardship. Is it really that uncouth to respond when you tell me about your sexual encounters by saying, "Ooh, bitch, you nasty!"? I don't think so. In fact, I think it is perfectly suitable for the situation. If you think it's alright to describe your lower back tattoo as a "cum-catcher" in mixed company then I have no qualms with randomly throwing out the statistics of STD carriers and every disgusting sign and symptom (scabs, rashes and blisters included).

I walked into the break room today to find a female co-worker narrating to a small audience all about her love for her deceased father. I came in on the tale end of her description of the first time he raped her. She's forgiven him, though. No worries. So as she stood there rambling on about that damn farm she'd always dreamed of, I placed a 44 to the back of her head. She died with a smile on her face. They can't hurt you now, Lennie. Keep dreaming.

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Wu-Tang is for the Children!

Does anyone remember ODB? They should. Old Dirty Bastard did more in his short life to help inspire and motivate than the Catholic Church AND the YMCA. He was a founding member of New York hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan and also enjoyed a successful solo career. Despite his frequent run-ins with Johnny Law (including shoplifting a pair of shoes and multiple crack cocaine possessions) he was a revered man in the community. He often spent his time helping the children of New York (not his own, mind you, he was once arrested for failure to pay child support on three of his 13 children). He was also a humble man, ignoring, of course, that one time he bum rushed the stage at the Grammy's to ask why the Clan hadn't won best rap album. Paraphrasing here will just not suffice, so here is what ODB said as he was escorted from the stage:

"I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all. Peace!"

See? Wu-Tang IS for the children. If a crack-smoking, shoe-stealing, illegitimate child-having rapper declared so on national television then it MUST be true.

In the Osirus' defence, though, he did once rescue a 4 year old girl from an automobile accident by lifting a '96 Mustang off of her. That's gotta count for something, right?

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Coons? Revisited.

So Bekki gets home the other night from work around 12:30 and who should be roaming the street but sum crazy black dude hopped up on PCP! Actually, I'm just assuming he was smoking the old angel dust because he had his shirt off and, of course, because I'm a racist. But what is sum scary looking, muscular black guy doing walking in the middle of our street with his shirt off in the middle of the night? A tad bit odd, don't cha think?

Bekki woke me to help her switch the cars in the driveway. She told me about the strange man, so I grabbed my shotgun and headed outside. Lucky for him I couldn't find him in the dark (what with him being black and all) and the fact that the gun was unloaded didn't hurt. I started asking the hillbillies and Klansmen we call neighbors if they knew where this influx of colored folks was coming from. Apparently the top of the hill behind us is where all the blacks live. I suppose you could call it "uptown".

While we're on the subject of black folk, what's the deal with Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes? Is there sum kind of conspiracy to murder off all famous black people? Weren't they both in an upcoming movie with Samuel L. Jackson? If I were Sam, I'd hide out for awhile. These things often happen in threes, you know.

*If you're just joining us, this post is a continuance of pure satire .
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