Thursday, August 14, 2008


When we get coons, Momma just sweeps 'em off the porch with a broom!

Well, those two "nigger boys" finally stole something, but it wasn't mine.

Willie, Austin's older brother, was the victim. Willie is a tall 18 year old with a dark complexion, speech impediment and a menial part-time job to call his own. "Dey hole ma man goose" What? "Days tole my mom's goose!" I'm sorry, what the fuck did you say? After going around for a bit like an Abbot and Costello routine, I realized that Willie was referring to his "Mongoose" (which is apparently an expensive bicycle). The culprit? Blacks, of course!

Austin's "daddy" bypassed the cops in true omerta fashion and found the punks himself. They had already removed the brake cables and stickers (How about we peer into the future and hand you your felony now?). Several cans of spray paint littered the front yard (I know, right?) where the bike was found. I could not ascertain what Austin's "daddy" actually said to the boys or their parents, but I'm sure it wasn't pretty. Austin's "daddy" is a pretty intimidating man (I could take him, though).

All is well, I suppose. Willie got his bike back. Justice was served (?) and I've made little progress concerning my self-inflicted education .

* Sum things are meant to offend. If this post did not offend you then there's sumthing wrong!


Peter Varvel said...

If I were not so polite and diplomatic, I would want to write some type of sexual innuendo about 'the rise' of TR, and ask if you've gotten to that part of the book, yet.
Seriously, keep the book by the can and just read a page or two every time you're sitting down. Your progress may be slow, but at least it will be steady.

Anonymous said...

I am blown away.
And that does not happen often.
Goddamn you are good.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

You know, Mike, out of context, your posts are going to unwittingly grow a Southern racist redneck readership. Be warned. They have herpes.

Mike Valentino said...

Mr. Varvel- I just left the toilet and am proud to inform you that the pages entered my mind as quickly as the feces exited my butt cheeks.

Veronica- Thank you. I'm sincerely humbled by your laudation.

Prince- I can handle the racist rednecks (I AM from South Carolina- first to secede, last to take down the Confederate battle flag, remember?)It's the left wing nutjobs who can't take a joke that really frighten me.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

The "N" word, I know that's just well not PC as Peter put it down. Other then that, I have no idea wth you're talking about.

We dont have rednecks in Malaysia.........

Your wife said...

Oh my God. This made me laugh so hard. Poor Willy. What happens if the neighbors get a computer and find this blog? Oh wait, probably getting central air instead of window units may be higher on the list=)

Prince Gomolvilas said...

TCDO, oh, yeah, you have rednecks in Malaysia, all right. Their necks might not be red, but they have the same backwards mentality as American rednecks.

As for the N word, yeah, it's not PC here either, and I personally think the only white person who should be allowed to use it is Eminem because he is an honorary black guy, but even HE refuses to use it. I would like to see Mike and Eminem in a slap fight.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

But a couple more things about Mike. He listens to more black hip-hop than I do, and he's lived in two states that have triple the black population that California does. So who am I to say? He's more integrated than I.

(Except I'm surely the only Asian he knows, except for Sulu and TV doesn't count.)

Mike Valentino said...

Sulu rocks my world. Aren't you originally from Indianapolis? That's ground zero for the largest Klan rally in American history during the KKK revival of the 1920's. I gave an oral (ha ha) report on the Klan to my college black history class. (I was the only white person there)

Oh, I would totally slap Eminem like he owed me money!

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Mike, I saw Eminem in 8 Mile, and he beat some punk-asses up. He could so snap your skinny legs in two.

And, yes, the KKK has stained my proud Hoosier roots, but did you know that I know BOTH Sulus--new and old? So that cancels out the bad blood in me.

Mike's Wife, how does it feel when Mike screams out my name when you're having sex? Just wondering.

Mike Valentino said...

Does anyone think the white guy in the cartoon looks like Drew Carey?

Prince Gomolvilas said...

He actually is a weird-looking fucker. Like your dad.