The Infallible Rick Warren

Like Big Tobacco before him, Barack Obama has the full right as an American to publicly deny the inherent dangers of exposing the country to Rick Warren. Perhaps future "scientists" will reveal that second hand Rick Warren exposure was more compromising to our health than second hand smoke, but for now the country waits in awed wonder for the honorable pastors religious invocation during the presidential inauguration.

As the realization of Warren's words take hold, perhaps abused children across the country will start to view gays with the same contempt as they view their fathers and uncles. Pedophilia and homosexuality are both epidemics in American culture. God bless Rick Warren for connecting the two. Personally, I am joyed in anticipation for the joint-damnation of murderers/people-who-wear-white-after-Labor-Day. Or the combination of adultery and Catholics who eat pork on Friday.

Rick Warren did not choose to be hateful. Let us, the American public, not condemn or persecute him for his lifestyle. His lifestyle is not a choice. God has made each of us in his own image and endowed us each with our own special talents and destinies. Some were destined to seek love in unusual and unorthodox places. Some were destined to spread fear and devision. Surely, Rick Warren was destined for greatness.

Islamic Insults: Offensive or Funny?

In a recent post(John Wayne Doesn't Wear Shorts) I expressed my desire to be slapped with a fish. Coincidentally, President George W. Bush was just assaulted in an Iraqi press conference. A journalist, Muntazer al-Zaidi, took off his shoes and hurled them at the President. One can only wonder if getting hit with a pair of shoes was on W.'s Bucket List. If so, why did he duck?



The question of masculinity has never been an unanswered one with President Bush, though. His rough and tumble demeanor and cowboy persona have followed him from his days as head cheerleader in a Boston prep-school to his Top Gun-styled antics in the Texas Air National Guard (DUI's anyone?). So the real question should be, "How long does it take Bush to kick the ass of a man with no shoes on?"

Blagojevich Doesn't Care About Ethics

Quite possibly a celebration is in order. No, not because FOX finally canceled their horribly unfunny sketch comedy show MadTV. And no, not because OJ Simpson has to take his bowel movements with the cast of the Green Mile watching. No, I'm celebrating the heart and hairspray that it took for Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich to reach for the stars. Honestly, would any of us have the brass cojones to even attempt at stealing the spotlight from the historical Obama election?

The only reference that comes to mind is a willful and swift newcomer by the name of Katrina who dared to steal the headlines from President Bush and his record low approval ratings. In a show of good will, though, Katrina was sure to name drop W numerous times during the weeks to follow her arrival. One can only think if Blagojevich will follow this strategy. So don't be surprised if you wake up to find all the black people in your town stuck on a roof or bloated and floating down a river where Main St. use to be. That's just Rob Blagojevich's special way of saying "Thank you".

Culture Wars

It seems now more than ever our great nation has been divided. Divided by the election of the very man set to bring change and unity. It is completely irrelevant that this division is being caused by his detractors, because if Obama didn't want America to get raped he shouldn't have made her look so democratic. Now, in these waning days of Babylon, it seems we have an all out culture war on our hands. The Mormons are fighting Homosexuals, Wanda Sykes is fighting California, whites are fighting Barack Obama and I'm fighting the urge not to take to the streets with my loaded .22's. It is a strange and polarizing time we live in, but below I've constructed an easy to follow outline that clearly separate these warring factions so sides can be chosen fairly and definitively.

The Mormons vs. Homosexuals
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believes that marriage should be between one man and as many women as possible. Homosexuals believe that Barbara Streisand is actually entertaining.

Wanda Sykes vs. California
Sykes, a strong black comedienne and now an outspoken homosexual, believes that Proposition 8 should be overturned. California, the highest populated state in the Union, now has the highest population of people who believe what Wanda Sykes does in the privacy of her own home is not only morally wrong but not nearly as funny as what she does in public.

Obama vs. Rural America
President-Elect Barack Obama believes that positive change can only be brought to America by unwavering unity and understanding. Rural white Americans believe that burning black effigies in their yards is a suitable reply.

So whether or not you side with the Mormons, a group who revere a man who claimed to have talked with God and then moved out West to practice polygamy or Wanda Sykes, a woman who reveres Barack Obama, a man who still claims that he is in no way a secret Muslim and will very shortly be moving to Washington DC to practice politics, let us ALL agree that our hidden prejudices and crippling fears are what makes us more than Republicans or Democrats, but Americans above all else.

Family Tradition Remix

I'm at a loss for words.



The back story.

Thank You

In a CNN interview Wednesday, President George W. Bush admitted that he had certain "regrets" concerning his presidency. Perhaps the president has forgotten about the 23% that still think he's doing a great job. His own self-criticism is a slap in the face to myself and other patriots who stand behind our commander in chief during these tough times of economic turmoil and political upheaval. How dare President Bush give an ounce of thought to his possible past indiscretions. There's an old saying in Charleston. I think it's in Washington, too. I know we use to say it in Charleston. It goes, "If you don't study your history, you'll repeat yourself. . . you'll repeat history. . . If you study history, you'll fail theology". I don't know, but the point is, history is overrated.

As infuriated as I was, I continued to read on. What distressed me most is that President Bush has completely ignored the fact that his admitted "blunders" have actually boosted our lagging economy. In the CNN interview, Bush expresses regret over the "Mission Accomplished" banner hanging aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. Really? Do you realize how many Mission Impossible DVD's were sold after that? Plus it acted as free advertisement for Mission Impossible 3. Yes, Mission Impossible 3 was terrible, but I think we can all agree that it had more to do with Tom Cruise becoming riddled with dementia than Bush's public endorsement. Kudos to you, President Bush, for having the courage to stand behind Tom Cruise when others would not. (That's a shot at you, Spielberg!)

The interview also claims that Bush has mixed feelings concerning his remarks that Osama Bin Laden was "wanted dead or alive". You may have mixed feelings about this, Mr. Bush, but New Jersey thanks you. This allowed for Bon Jovi to steal the show during the Concert for New York City following the 9/11 terrorist attacks with their massive hits "Livin' on a Prayer" and, you guessed it, "Wanted Dead or Alive". Is it any wonder why Bon Jovi got a resurgence in popularity? So the next time you see those Stock Market numbers jump up like Michele Obama's ass in a Ludacris video, thank yourself, Mr. President. Thank yourself, because I already have.

The Emperor Has No Credit

-Or-

A Black Man, A Socialist and Joe the Plumber Walk Into A Bar. . .

Indeed, we should all be fearful now that the far left has grabbed the reins of this great country of ours. The election of Barack Obama is not only historical for being the first time a black man has held the office of president, but for being the first time the office has been held by a socialist. Even though the election is over, we must not give up the good fight, fellow comrades. If we allow our capitalistic ideals to be watered-down by tap-dancing liberals, where does this slippery slope of greased hardwood floors and stumbling shuffle hop steps end?

Now that the most tap-dancing-ish liberal of all, Barack Obama, has defeated what five years in Hanoi could not, are we headed for a Russo-Vietnamese style communist system? Joe Wurzelbacher, better known by his nom de plume Joe the Plumber, described Obama as an experienced and accomplished tap-dancer and "almost as good as Sammy Davis, Jr." Can we possibly survive as a nation when we're being run by light-loafered reds who want to replace the 3-count time step with the "one step closer to socialism" followed by a gancho and enchufla?

In the words of Joe the Plumber's parents who went on welfare twice during Joe's childhood, NO! Spreading the wealth is as un-American as race-mixing or gay marriage. But to those who embrace a changing America, the newly announced engagement of Gregory Hines and Sammy Davis, Jr. probably comes as a pleasant surprise especially considering the fact that both of them are dead. Just a friendly reminder, even though they're no longer living, like Obama, they are both definitely black. So as ballrooms across America morph into time-traveling Slip-n-Slides aimed at 1950's-styled McCarthyism, we can rest easy on the knowledge that at least in the 1950's gays couldn't marry and blacks had their own water fountains.

JoeThePlumber.com

We Won!

Don't Vote!

It seems every other blog is urging you to vote today. So in keeping with my outlaw persona I'm telling you to do the opposite. Why vote, anyways? So you can be lumped in with those Hollywood homosexuals? Real Americans march to the beat of their own drum. So don't vote simply because the media elite tell you to, instead do what I tell you to and abstain. How can we expect our kids to if we won't?

Vote Yes On Prop 8!

I've choked on my words for long enough concerning this Prop 8 abomination. How dare those liberal/trippy-hippy/homosexual/Californian-Jews try to push their yoga-taking/pill-popping/organic-food-eating agenda on hardworking Americans like myself. It is the small town values that honest Christians like Sarah Palin and, to a lesser extent, John McCain are trying to preserve. What this country needs is more small town values.

Barack Obama claims that us small town folks cling to guns and religion. Well, if that's what he thinks then he's probably right. But what's wrong with guns and religion? We're gonna need those guns when Obamas election sparks the race war prophesied in the Bible. Lord knows the Blacks, Asians and Latinos are all packing the heat, so why do the Jews in Washington insist on unarming law-abiding white citizens? That's the question you have to ask yourself come election day. And religion? Well, if Barack Obama views religion as a crutch that simple folk use to their advantage, I have one thing to say to him: You may win this election with your smooth talk and extended vocabulary, but you won't be standing in the winner's circle when the Rapture comes.

And guns and religion aren't the only things us small town folk cling to. We have a wide variety of extra-circular activities that include but are not limited to:

-smoking meth
-beating our wives
-making racist jokes
-drinking
-cashing unemployment checks
-rape
-smoking pot
-pawning our stuff
-pawning other people's stuff
-smoking more meth
-pedophilia
-and loitering

So the next time Obama and his secret Muslim buddies want to pigeon hold us small towners as simple one-dimensional hypocrites who preach acceptance but fear change, I've got one word for him: Jealous?

Mos Def '08

Mos Def uses a Star Wars analogy to announce his bid for presidency! Somewhere in America a nerd just had his first orgasm.

Negro, Please

I bought a gun rack at an antique shop today. Before that I spent a few hours down at WNCW learning the ropes to become a volunteer DJ. In a few weeks I'll get to man the ship, albeit, when most people are fast asleep (12am-4am EST). I've been warned not to play anything too controversial. So I suppose Suicidal Thoughts by Biggie Smalls is out of the question.

Speaking of black folk, I had my first black reader a few days ago. Riva, you must understand that your endorsement gives me free reign to expand on all of the horribly racist things I've said over the past few months. Like this: Remember when John McCain said that he didn't hate all Asians, just the "gooks" who tortured him? And, yes, he did use that word. Well, he has revisited that issue by declaring "I don't hate all niggers, just that good looking one who's gonna steal my job". When a reporter asked the follow up question, "Really?", McCain responded with, "Oh, yeah, and the 40 million other niggers who live in America".

That's pretty intense stuff. I do have to state that I am in strong disagreeance with him. Good thing I bought that gun rack to keep the shotguns handy. No, I don't hunt. No, I'm not preparing for a race war. I just thought it would be nice to have them displayed. It's a daily reminder for me to kill myself if the McCain ticket wins.

Fists of Fury

Has anyone else seen or even heard of the indie film Mysterious Skin? If you would prefer spending an hour and a half of your life feeling as uncomfortable as possible then this is the movie for you (just don't watch it with your parents or, Heaven forbid, your children). It deals with pedophilia, homosexuality and aliens. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the lead role as an ex-child abuse victim who has turned to a life of homosexual prostitution. Brady Corbet plays opposite Gordon-Levitt. His character is also molested as a child, but opts out of promiscuity in favor of becoming an asexual retard. This only confirms my belief that all homosexuals are either the victim of a sex crime or mentally retarded.

Bekki and I watched Mysterious Skin this past Monday. If anyone is wondering, she picked it out. I probably would have picked out something a tad more masculine like Enter the Dragon or Dirty Harry- which, by the way, I finally got to see Tuesday night in my hotel room in Charlotte. The first half left me shaking my head at what I thought would be just another predictable cop movie, but then the vigilante-style butt-stomping pinned me to the wall as Clint Eastwood pounded on the back door of the crooked judicial system.

Dirty Harry is what America needs right now. So while those Prop 8 fags out in California petition you to pound on their back doors, remember that this country was forged by the hard work and dedication of real men like John McCain. The debate last night left no doubt in my mind that McCain has the spunk and grit to lead this country out of the Hell that he voted us into. So if you enjoy films about children fisting old guys with moustaches then vote for Barrack Obama. But if you enjoy a good, old-fashioned American butt-stomping movie then vote for John 'the Maverick' McCain. Because although McCain endured horrible acts of brutality as a POW in Hanoi, I'm sure his mind is scarred in a completely different way than the boys in Mysterious Skin. No, the only thing that clouds John McCain's judgment is a heavy fog of raging patriotism.

Hank Jr. Still Has Large Testicles

Oh, Hank, say it ain't so. I was watching CNN the other night and was horrified to hear that Hank Williams Jr. is in support of John McCain. Can this be so? Not fully trusting CNN's credentials, I rushed to the internet for a more reliable source- some random blog. Yes, it's true. Bocephus will be playing at upcoming John McCain rallies.

Williams has a history of right wing, gun toting politics, but I was still hopeful that maybe time had changed him. Johnny Cash was a life-long member of the Republican Party until he came to his senses in old age. Merle Haggard repented for a life spent in the conservative trenches and spoke out against George W. Bush and the current administration. And Willie Nelson-well, Willie was always pretty much a liberal nut-job. But the point is that when men age they lose testosterone and in return gain a heaping dose of common sense. Despite everything Williams has said and done in the past, I was hoping against hope that his testicles had finally shrunken in circumference. Maybe by 2012 his balls will be smaller than mine.

Maverick McCain Lets the Colored Folk Speak

Everyone's over-exaggerating what John McCain said the other night during the debate. So what if he referred to Barrack Obama as "that one"? It's alot better than some of the things he called Obama during the rehearsal including "my dark-skinned opponent", "that colored fella" and, of course, "that stupid nigger". So what's worse, people? Give McCain a little credit. It's not everyday that a Republican is reduced to debating "the help" on national television.

God Bless John McCain for having the decency to let that "spear chucker" speak. I know that there are alot of folks who are going to call McCain a "liberal" for talking with blacks, but I think the word they're really looking for would be 'Maverick'.

Calamari

-Or-

What Foreskin Would Look Like If You Deep-Fried It

I finally watched An Inconvenient Truth last night and was astonished to learn the extent Al Gore will go in order to remain in the spotlight. You lost the election, Gore. Why don't you go grow a beard or something? I am now fully convinced that "global warming" is nothing but a bunch of liberal Jews complaining that it's too hot outside. What are they whining about, don't they all eventually move down to Florida, anyway? Plus, everyone knows that polar bears are on the endangered species list and if you can't hunt them, who cares if they drown?

Bekki and I ran into Austin, today. He was selling mail-order chocolate a few weeks back for his school. Now a few weeks later I'm $9 in the hole with still no chocolate to speak of. I asked him what the deal was and he said "I don't know. It must have got lost in transit!" That lying little s.o.b. Now I've got to call his school and find out when the chocolate got mailed out so I can officially catch him in a lie. I figure his mom spent my $9 on two packs of cigarettes and a can of soda down at the gas station, which STILL doesn't have gas, thank you! Oh, nice Smart car, Varvel. What's the mpg on that thing? And, yeah, who's that hot girl standing next to it?

And since all the women want to argue with me about child birth and images of women in the media AND since Prince gave me such a great jumping block for a topic I've been wanting to rant on for some time, here it is: Circumcision is wrong! It serves no medical purpose whatsoever! Your baby is not a handbag with a strap that's too long or a pair of pants that needs to be hemmed up. I, like Sarah Palin, am pro-choice. I think the abortion decision should be left to the woman and her rapist, but once that child is born (this is for Rabbi's, pedophiles and parents everywhere) keep your hands off your child's dick!

Paul Newman's Dead and You're Next McCain

I just read the horrible news. I wasn't a huge fan, but Cool Hand Luke was boss hog. Aside from his acting, race car driving and salad dressings, Newman was a good man. He is the only actor in Hollywood to stay married longer than one of Rosie O'Donald's bowl movements (which is pretty impressive), and also set up charities for children with cancer. Whenever a good man dies, the world should mourn because there are so little of them left. He was 83.

How old are you, McCain?

Teddy Roosevelt Teabags McCain!

McCain needs to stop comparing himself to Theodore Roosevelt. If Teddy wanted to light a fart on fire, McCain wouldn't be worthy enough to hold a candle to his buttcheeks. Roosevelt had more integrity and determination concerning himself and his country than John McCain could ever wish for. Also, Teddy was one of the few presidents who was always faithful to his wife. John, didn't you cheat on your- wait, you're married to- and there was a stripper-?

If anyone has the Daily Show clip from 9/25 about the 2 Roosevelts I would love for you to shimmy it over this away. Oh, yeah, and I just devoured another chapter , bitches!

Sarah Palin? I'd rather fuck a pig.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Does Anyone Remember Zion?

Or, for that matter, did anyone watch the Larry King interview with Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? I hate to side with the lunatic, but the President did have some very valid points concerning Israel. King didn't seem too pleased with the answers he was getting. Why is it so outrageous to denounce Zion? And why is it so difficult for King to grasp the concept of a government establishing another government in unfriendly territory for financial gain? I guess he's never heard of Operation Ajax .

The concept is really quite simple: Group A rescues Group B from Group C. Then relocate GroupB to a holy land that they haven't inhabited in 3,000 years. Totally ignore the fact that Group D already live there, and if they bitch, kill them. Or better yet, play on their religious zealousness and constantly refer to them as "evil". That's always a nice way to pass the time. Wait a few years and become friends with Group C and use their military weight to crush the defiance of Group D. Then wait until Group B and Group D are too busy killing each other to notice you steal all of their oil. And who will reap the benefits of this global theft?

Probably Larry King. I just don't trust that bastard. Meanwhile, I'm waiting in line for an hour to pay over $4 a gallon for gas. I wish I had a camera with me last night. They had police officers directing a clusterfuck of 100+ cars at the gas station. But even a photograph wouldn't have caught the magic of an SUV full of black women yelling 'muhfucka' at me for supposedly cutting them off. Then I flip to the local news to see that regional auto part stores are selling out of tubing and lockable gas caps at breakneck speed. 1/3 are syphoning gas from the next 1/3 while the final 1/3 are apparently smart enough to buy lockable gas caps to put on their cars. What third do I belong to? None. I'm too busy flipping back to the Larry King interview and ranting about Zion. And I've been around Group A long enough to know that they can't be trusted. And if Larry King is so adamant about restoring aboriginal peoples to their ancient homeland, I know some folks that are interested in Manhattan. Wait, where do you live, Mr. King?