Bradley Cooper is Water and I am a Semi-Permeable Membrane

Valentine's Day is for lovers. He's Just Not That Into You is for lonely women who eat Ben and Jerry's ice cream while reading Cosmo. I wish someone would have told me that before I took Bekki to see it on our Valentine's Day date. Having to sit through awkward sex scenes with the voluptuous Scarlett Johansson while your wife mumbles "what a whore" was the least of my frustrations. The character that Johansson sleeps with is a married man! So now I've gotta be like "Yeah, that fuckin' home wrecker! She tried to do the same thing to me last week and I was like, Bitch, please! I'm married. I think you better go fuck Bradley Cooper instead!"

The film is also produced by and co-stars Drew Barrymore. Rather foolishly, I once informed my wife that I found Ms. Barrymore moderately attractive. Thankfully she appeared quite old and wrinkly looking. This helped me to look a tad less piggish. But just as I feel I'm dodging the hot seat, Jennifer Connelly discovers that her husband is smoking behind her back even AFTER her father died of lung cancer. That's me! I've been caught TWICE smoking behind my wife's back. Once was when we were teenagers, but still! So I'm looking out the corner of my eye at Bekki and wondering if she's engaged in some sort of chick-flick transference by subconsciously redirecting Cooper's follies onto me.

Luckily Ben Affleck shows up with Jennifer Aniston on his arm. They've been dating for seven years and are madly in love. She's a little upset that he hasn't asked her to marry him, yet, but I think they'll be ok. And then, what, wait, Aniston gives Affleck an ultimatum? Marry me or this relationship is over? Ben Affleck leaves Jennifer Aniston?!? What is wrong with you, Ben? You're making me look bad over here. And all I wanted to do was take my wife to see a nice romantic movie for Valentine's Day. Justin Long? Yeah, he's not much better. He ends up becoming the nice committed guy that Ginnifer Goodwin desperately craves, but he acts like a complete tool in the process. The film's synopsis? Don't ever trust your husband around Scarlett Johansson.