Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Oy Vey!

Isn't it nice to see Israel and Palestine fighting again? I'm all for change, but there is a certain level of comfort in a routine, too. What with Obama's inauguration coming up, the Blagojevich scandal and Rick Warren persecuting homosexuals, it seems that the world is changing at a rapid pace. The last time in American history that the country experienced this much change this quickly was the late 1950's/1960's. And we all remember how that turned out, right? Equal rights for blacks, women left the kitchen, a Catholic was elected to the presidency- it was horrible.

Thanks to those fiery-tempered Middle Easterners and those I'm gonna tell you I'm not a terrorist but I really am Israelis, a resemblance of normalcy has been restored. Now, I don't care whether Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays hide the erection with 11 year olds or whether Tom Cruise plays dress up with the Third Reich, real life drama is always just a tad more exciting than Hollywood. That's why I could never get into those shoot-em-up movies. Give me the nightly news or a snuff film, because red dye #23 doesn't hold a candle to human suffering.

One can only assume that this is why the Israelis and Palestinians continue to fight. It can't be over religion, because their religions clearly dictate to them that killing is a sin. And it certainly isn't over land or some large scale, historical family feud, because I'm sure those would both be classified as the "sinful ways of the world". So it must be that both sides just have an honest penchant for violence. And that's something I can live with.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Kanye West is the Greatest Rapper Alive

Many fans and critics of hip-hop music will tell you that Jay-Z was lyrically surpassed on the track Renegade by the song's producer, Eminem. The song, from 2001's critically acclaimed The Blueprint, raises serious concerns about the self-proclaimed "greatest rapper alive(s)" claim to the throne. Not to be outdone, Kanye West intentionally dumbed-down every lyric to his sophmore effort, Late Registration, to allow Jay-Z to outshine him as an MC and as a lyricist. Whether this was done as a good-will gesture to Hova or a cunning pr stunt, it is certain that a new claim to the throne has spoken.

This incident does well to explain the events circling Kanye's recent appearance on Saturday Night Live. Eyebrows have been raised by people everywhere by what appears to be West caught lip-syncing to the single Heartless. For anyone who has followed Kanye West and his trail-blazing career, this is nothing more than a one-up on Miss Ashley Simpson who was similarly caught lip-syncing on SNL last year. The balls in your court, Ashley, make your move.

Kanye is not content with merely lapping his peers in what some would consider "failures" or "huge disappointments", he also wants to succeed in profitable trends such as the emergence of a style in hip-hop lovingly referred to as RoboRap. RoboRap was popularized by New Orleans rapper Lil' Wayne and uses a device known as an auto tune to distort the artists voice into a metallic space-age parody of itself. Many artists including Jay-Z, TI, Akon and Cher have used this device to great success. In the recent SNL debacle, West performed Heartless in which he sings through an auto tune. Is this the part where the genius of Kanye West comes full circle? I don't think they call him the greatest rapper alive for nothing.

A Ghost To Most by Drive By Truckers

The 2008 release Brighter Than Creation's Dark from Drive By Truckers has already ended up on many best-of-the-year lists. A Ghost To Most, a Mike Cooley penned tune, is one of nineteen original compositions by Cooley and fellow songwriters Patterson Hood and Shonna Tucker. If you're unfamiliar with this group, think of a cross between Lynryd Skynyrd and Leonard Cohen. For more info visit the band's website at

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Red, the american pit bull terrier (mix?), is adjusting to life in our house (kennel) with ease. She seems extremely smart. Bekki taught her sit and lay down on command in about ten minutes. That's pretty smart for an energetic little puppy. I've been thinking about starting her real training soon. I've already got the tread mill and the raw meat to feed her. I figure if I slap her around a little bit she might lose her trust in humans and turn vicious. We leave the tv on for the dogs when we go to work (I know, right?). Bekki has been leaving it on MSNBC who are apparently having a "Lock Down: Life Behind Bars" marathon. What better way for Red to get vicious than by forcing her to watch 8 hours of brutal killers and child rapists?

My first live radio show will be Monday December 29th from 12am-4am EST (So I suppose it's technically Tuesday morning, not Monday night). If anyone is interested you can listen to the station from your PC by going to their website and clicking on the Listen Live button in the top left hand corner of the page. I'm listening to the station right now and it sounds crystal clear. So if anyone is curious to hear my infamous lisp/stutter, tune in Monday night (especially you guys on the West coast. With the time delay, you've got no excuse!).

Be good, Bitches!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas the Night Before X-Mas

Dear Santa,

Hey, it's me again. Sorry I never got around to sending a thank you letter for last years gifts. I know that I've already got a lot of wonderful things in my life (new house, new car, new dog and the love of my life happy and healthy), but there are a few material possessions that I've been Jonesing for recently. I tried asking Jesus, but he was too busy having brunch with Joel Osteen. So, if you have a minute I have a few items to request.

Have you heard of the new vodka Ciroc? Apparently Sean "P. Diddy Daddy Puffy" Combs took time from his scientific laboratory where he makes perfume to oversee the fermentation of French vodka. Plus, he's like the new Frank Sinatra or something so his vodka has to be awesome. Two bottles ought to make Christmas night a littler warmer.

Next on the list is KY Yours and Mine genital lube. You know, they have those commercials where some random couple are sitting on a bed, speaking in short choppy sentences right before they knock boots? I know the lube works because the commercials give me the same uneasy panicky feeling that actual intercourse does. So if walking down the "naughty" aisle at the supermarket doesn't bother you, could you please pick me up a tube? Thanks.

If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to give you a ring.


Mike V.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Testicles Revisited

Defending Hank Williams, Jr.'s testicles seems like an almost hopeless cause. With his outspoken endorsement of ex-presidential candidate John McCain via a complete re-working of his classic country-music hit Family Tradition, any attempt at explaining away his crooked stance appears in vain. Not since George Lucas returned to his seminal masterpiece Star Wars has an artist butchered their former work with such disregard for its initial splendor. Country-music fans everywhere now feel the shame and helplessness that sci-fi nerds have felt ever since Lucas added that horribly cartoonish song and dance routine into Return of the Jedi.

After hearing the remake of Family Tradition (now McCain/Palin Tradition), the realization of what the song and the artist are capable of destroys any nostalgia that the work once held. It's like seeing the girl you took home from the bar lying on your bed in the light of morning. She doesn't look so hot now, does she? Meanwhile, she's just realizing the only reason she sucked your nasty dick in the first place was because Lil' Wayne's song Dick Pleaser was blasting at the club. Now, both of you are sitting there with your goodies hanging out searching aimlessly for the words that will alleviate the awkwardness of the situation. And now whenever you reach into your "spank bank" for her bad dye-job jumping around on your lap, all your left with is the image of a digitalized Jabba the Hutt singing McCain/Palin Tradition.

But then your buddy reminds you that you're the type of douche that goes to clubs where they play Dick Pleaser over the sound system. And once you realize that you spend more time in front of the mirror than your 13 year old niece (who, by the way, has Dick Pleaser as her Myspace default song) you're forced to agree with your friend and say, "yes, i am indeed a douche". Now you're left with a mild dilemma- Do you pursue your new-found morality and taste or do you tap your toes when McCain/Palin Tradition comes on and say to yourself that it's not that bad? Either way you're exposed as the shallow fuck that you are. But don't worry, everyone else is tapping their toes as well.

Thanks to my wife, Bekki, for providing the Lucas/Williams comparison during a heated discussion at Chili's last week.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Alabama High-Test by Old Crow Medicine Show

Nashville natives Old Crow Medicine Show made big waves with their previous two studio albums OCMS and Big Iron World. Their self-titled debut contained their hugely popular signature tune, Wagon Wheel which was co-written by singer Bob Dylan. On the group's current release, 2008's Tennessee Pusher, they teamed up with legendary producer Don Was.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Our Little Irish Rose

I finally got our pictures of Red developed. Red was found late one cold night wandering on the highway. She has adapted pretty well and seems like a very intelligent dog. The only problem is her size. She's about 14 weeks old and is already 21 pounds. Ernie, our largest dog, is only 15 pounds and even he's a tad overweight. We're not sure exactly how large Red will get, because we aren't exactly sure what breed or breeds she is. You, the reader, can be the judge of that.

This is Red sitting with Ernie, our Rat Terrier. This is a pretty rare moment considering all he wants to do is mount her or avoid her. Dogs are so human-like.

This, on the other hand, is a pretty common occurrence. Dixie, our Chihuahua/Dachshund mix, and Red act like life-long friends. I just hope Red doesn't turn on Dixie when she hits puberty. Teenage girls can be so cruel.

The Infallible Rick Warren

Like Big Tobacco before him, Barack Obama has the full right as an American to publicly deny the inherent dangers of exposing the country to Rick Warren. Perhaps future "scientists" will reveal that second hand Rick Warren exposure was more compromising to our health than second hand smoke, but for now the country waits in awed wonder for the honorable pastors religious invocation during the presidential inauguration.

As the realization of Warren's words take hold, perhaps abused children across the country will start to view gays with the same contempt as they view their fathers and uncles. Pedophilia and homosexuality are both epidemics in American culture. God bless Rick Warren for connecting the two. Personally, I am joyed in anticipation for the joint-damnation of murderers/people-who-wear-white-after-Labor-Day. Or the combination of adultery and Catholics who eat pork on Friday.

Rick Warren did not choose to be hateful. Let us, the American public, not condemn or persecute him for his lifestyle. His lifestyle is not a choice. God has made each of us in his own image and endowed us each with our own special talents and destinies. Some were destined to seek love in unusual and unorthodox places. Some were destined to spread fear and devision. Surely, Rick Warren was destined for greatness.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

White Hot Sexy Beast

I suppose this caption should be about the new car in the photo, but all I can think to say is how beautiful my wife looks. She seems so peaceful and serene here and not nearly as turbulent as she is in real life. Even the dog is confused.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Islamic Insults: Offensive or Funny?

In a recent post(John Wayne Doesn't Wear Shorts) I expressed my desire to be slapped with a fish. Coincidentally, President George W. Bush was just assaulted in an Iraqi press conference. A journalist, Muntazer al-Zaidi, took off his shoes and hurled them at the President. One can only wonder if getting hit with a pair of shoes was on W.'s Bucket List. If so, why did he duck?

The question of masculinity has never been an unanswered one with President Bush, though. His rough and tumble demeanor and cowboy persona have followed him from his days as head cheerleader in a Boston prep-school to his Top Gun-styled antics in the Texas Air National Guard (DUI's anyone?). So the real question should be, "How long does it take Bush to kick the ass of a man with no shoes on?"

Sunday, December 14, 2008

75 and Sunny by Ryan Montbleau

The Ryan Montbleau Band's album Patience on Friday may be from 2007, but made some big waves in 2008. This album has already made the Top 100 lists from many alternative radio stations. Check out their official website for more info.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Blagojevich Doesn't Care About Ethics

Quite possibly a celebration is in order. No, not because FOX finally canceled their horribly unfunny sketch comedy show MadTV. And no, not because OJ Simpson has to take his bowel movements with the cast of the Green Mile watching. No, I'm celebrating the heart and hairspray that it took for Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich to reach for the stars. Honestly, would any of us have the brass cojones to even attempt at stealing the spotlight from the historical Obama election?

The only reference that comes to mind is a willful and swift newcomer by the name of Katrina who dared to steal the headlines from President Bush and his record low approval ratings. In a show of good will, though, Katrina was sure to name drop W numerous times during the weeks to follow her arrival. One can only think if Blagojevich will follow this strategy. So don't be surprised if you wake up to find all the black people in your town stuck on a roof or bloated and floating down a river where Main St. use to be. That's just Rob Blagojevich's special way of saying "Thank you".

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Terrier Song

I've been singing this for days. Thanks to the Kids in the Hall for this gem.


Did you hear about that guy that got the anti-pit bull legislation passed? Yeah, he got mauled to death by a pit bull. In other news, I got a dog. Or should I say a dog got me. I was driving home from work Sunday night and I almost make mashed potatoes out of this stray dog. So I pull over to see if everything's alright and it basically jumps into my car. So now we've got 3 dogs and 3 cats. Bekki says that we're officially insane, now. I think I'm inclined to believe her.

The dog is less than 4 months because she's got all her baby teeth still. She also hasn't been fixed because I can't see any scar on her belly AND because Ernie, my male Rat Terrier, won't stop trying to knock boots with her. Bekki thinks she's a pit bull mix. The vet said she's a red bone coon hound mix. I don't know what the hell she is. I'll have pictures soon, though, so you the viewer can decide.

I now have one full hour of live radio under my belt (I had to remove the balled up socks to make room). So when my first "show" happens, I'll let all of my adoring fans out in cyberspace know. The station, WNCW, has a way for you to listen live from their website. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Murdered in the City by the Avett Brothers

The Avett Brothers recently signed with Rick Rubin and American Recordings to release their upcoming studio album. This song, Murdered in the City, is off their recent EP release The Second Gleam. Find out more from their website,

Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Dogfight

This dog knows what he wants and takes action quickly. I like that in a dog. It shows character. Now if I could only get MY cats to stay that still.

The Geek in the Mirror

Behind the cruel snickering and robust chuckles that I've thrown at a growing minority lies the truth that maybe I am what I so vehemently despise. I do not mean to insinuate that I am referring to the homosexuals, because they are still sinful heathens that I thrust my engorged disapproval upon. Nor do I mean to infer the blacks, who will surely hide behind their negro president and drain our limping economy with reparations checks. No, I speak of that most shameful of groups, the science fiction nerds.

I was hesitant at first to review the evidence, but as it stacked up so weightily and so dauntingly before me I found myself with no other option than to examine myself. I love Star Wars. It's true. I am not ashamed of this. If light saber duels are wrong, I don't want to be right. This alone, though, is not enough to condemn me. Sigh. I am also a huge Twilight Zone fan. And I use to watch the original Star Trek growing up. And I watch Ghost Hunters on the SciFi Channel. I know, I know. Please keep your disapproving eyes off me. I feel enough shame as it is.

Upon this new revelation I decided to embrace my new found identity instead of hiding behind a facade of ubercool swagger and dashing good looks. A few years ago, I went to see the first Lord of the Rings movie in the theater and walked out 2 hours into it. I decided to give this "masterpiece" another chance. Round 2 came on TNT the other night. I watched it. The next night they played Return of the King, the third installment. I watched this one as well. My conclusion: Lord of the Rings still blows.