Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What the Economy Needs is a Healthy Dose of Methamphetamine

From the opening scene to the closing nightmarish climax, Requiem for a Dream made me wish I had never renewed my Netflix subscription. While heroin and cocaine addiction might be cool for Hollywood hipsters Marlon Wayans and Jared Leto, this country is in far too great of a depression for escapism. That's why I urge everyone to go to their local movie theater and see Hotel for Dogs. Nothing will encourage you to pull yourself up by your boot straps like a Dreamworks produced smile-fest.

I realize that film students and self proclaimed "counter-culturists" will probably not heed my warnings. So if you are compelled to watch Requiem, be sure to chase it with a nice long swig of Spongebob. Not to totally discredit the film, though, their were several uplifting points to the movie. For instance, I was unaware of how incredibly patriotic methamphetamines are. What is more American than artificial industriousness? And if increased energy and productivity aren't American values anymore then maybe I ought to just buy a Toyota.

Whatever your opinion of this hour and a half long anti-drug commercial, it will leave you with a completely altered opinion of Jennifer Connelly. From the lovable child-star of Labyrinth to the hauntingly flawled Marion of Requiem, we see Connelly brutally typecast. The latter character being addicted to cocaine and heroin while the former having an equally unhealthy addiction to David Bowie. If Jennifer Connelly doesn't do something quick, she might find herself as the helpless damsel in distress forever. Unless, of course, the orgy scene from Requiem was actually an exercise in the art of method acting. If this is true, she could possibly find a blossoming career in the pornography industry. Now please excuse me while I set my television on fire.

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

I heard about a study of soil samples in different regions, where they could tell what the local drug of choice was based on its concentration in the dirt. (Kind of gross if you think about it.) I think cocaine was big in L.A.

Yeah, we love productivity in America, by any means necessary.