Damn, Son. Get Off My Dick!

Here is an email that I received today, followed by my response. Enjoy

Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2008 13:03:39 -0500
From: n/a
To: Mike-Valentino@live.com
Subject: permission request

Mr Valentino:

Greetings! I am one of the few, the proud, the pervs, I suppose you'd call us , who are enjoying the fun between you and Prince Gomolvilas this week.

My somewhat innocuous, and damn near reader free blog, WileyKyote.com has a weekly feature called hot guy friday. I usually post some generic pictures I find on the net of a well-known, or relatively so, actor whom I find attractive.

This week I had a bit of inspiration. I was thinking of using you as my Hot Guy Friday subject. This, of course, would be limited to the pictures posted on both your, and Prince's websites, which Prince has told me would be fine with him. He did however suggest, and I concur, that I should acquire your permission before pursuing this idea.

Should you agree I will post the pictures attached to this email and simply recap the exchanges between you and Prince this week and let it go at that. Should you decline I'll go with someone else, obviously.

Let me know your thoughts on the subject. I understand the only balls you touch are your own, (a bit more info than I needed perhaps,) but I thought a cute real-world guy would be a nice change of pace.

Thanks
Sean Taylor

The Response

Poor unsuspecting dolt? I can't believe you have the nerve to ask my permission on anything after repeatedly referring to me as a dolt and helpless victim on your haphazard blog. This isn't gays vs. straights, alright? I think you need to leave your condescending, judgmental prejudices where they belong - heavily hidden beneath humor. You are nothing more than another faceless coward ducking behind a computer monitor. I try to live peacefully, but am far too short tempered to let some nobody step on my toes. I have nothing but the utmost respect for Prince. If he doesn't feel the same then that's fine. But, just so you know, I was the one to instigate our back and forth banter- so if anyone baited anyone, it was me.

Oh, and you can put me as your hot guy Friday if you like. I'm flattered and would gladly accept the extra traffic to my page. If, of course, anyone reads your page.

love always,
micky v.

An Open Letter to the Playwrights of California

Wow! That sounds inclusive, right? An Open Letter to a Few Asian Playwrights Who Sometimes Read This Blog would have been more honest, but I think I made the right choice. I could have titled it An Open Letter to All Asian Americans. Now, THAT would have been a tad presumptuous (just a tad, mind you). Linguistics aside, I would like to publicly thank that small demographic that make up my audience (don't laugh) for their tireless support these past two months. A previous blog, The Hillbilly Speaks , was my first to reach 10 comments (can anyone make that 11?). I think two of them were from myself, but thank you anyways. Also, my page has been viewed 500 times, now. I went to bed last night and it said 499. I think I know who that special barrier-shattering (don't laugh) visitor was! Prince! Come on down and see what you've won! A lifetime supply of patronage delivered at a feverish pace of 25 times a day!

And, Prince , I fully admire your willingness to retire our shtick before it grows stale (or has it already?), but I must not close this dialogue without declaring my disgust for sports. Alas, the only balls I touch are my own.

And, Madley , your interest in this ongoing opera (ah, yet another Italian accomplishment) is greatly appreciated. I visited your blog today. I was just about to comment on your honey post, but started to sob uncontrollably. And then I went and ate sum honey.

It's Teddy. Mr. Roosevelt if you're nasty!

I got a new book, y'all! "He can read?" I know, right, who woulda thunkit? It's part one in what was planned on being a trilogy by author Edmund Morris. I'm not much of a reader so I thought it would be entertaining to document how long it takes me to devour this 800 page monster. I started a few days ago, but I'll give myself a head start by counting today as the official start.

Any bets on how long it'll take me? Anyone?

The Hillbilly Speaks

-Or-
A Feeble Attempt at Silencing Regional Stereotypes

In response to Prince's repeated references to me being a "Hillbilly" which clearly I have too many teeth to meet the requirements, I feel it is my utmost duty to rectify these slandering remarks by somewhat detailing my arduous travel from the sunny coasts of Charleston to the wooded hills of Southern Appalachia. OR I gotta set sum shit straight.

About a hundred years ago my family was swept up in the mass migration of Sicilians that were seeking refuge from the oppressive mafioso that basically dominated the local politics of Sicily. They settled in the historic town of Charleston, SC long after the Civil War had crushed the antebellum society and civic pride that the once large and prosperous city had. The correlation between myself and slave owning aristocrats is, therefore, nothing more than a humorous stereotype. While on the subject of stereotypes, I must also point out that my wife and I are far from the "downtrodden Southerners", because although my kin were not slave owning aristocrats, they were somewhat aristocratic (although at what some consider the tale-end of that self-gratifying echelon).

So, as I blossomed into adulthood and found a bride in my childhood sweetheart, I came to see my standing as King-like in the midst of rural Southerners and, on the other hand, pauper-like while amongst my own (My own being the private school attending, cocaine sniffing, imported car driving and imported beer drinking aristocrats). And so naturally my wife and I made that arduous trip from prosperous Charleston to the hills of North Carolina where folks place commerce long behind God and family. We enjoy the slower pace of life and the simplicity that surrounds us and, for the moment, are completely contented.

* These are pictures from a few years back of a Charlestonian "night on the town" to prove that we aren't THAT backwards. Oh, and Prince, if you keep saying things like this: "Mike, please do no die before I get to suck you off while your wife's back is turned", Bekki won't let us continue our friendship. She thinks you might be a bad influence. She's probably right. That's why I find you so hip, like an Asian James Dean. You are a Hoosier, right?

Confessions of a Guappo

Leonardo da Vinci
Universally recognized as possibly the most intelligent man to have ever lived.
He was a polymath, undisputed genius and, you guessed it, an Italian.

I thought I'd share with everyone my long standing opinion concerning the Western World and how the Italians basically own it. It goes like this: Who created the largest and longest lasting civilization that the world had ever known? That's right, the Italians. Who killed Jesus? It was the Italians, fuck the Jews. What group was the first to create paper? Well, that was the Chinese, but we've got plumbing, so fuck the Chinese. Who was the first to force Christianity down its citizens throats? That's right, those hairy knuckled, wife beating, pasta eating goombahs.

And what happened when the Roman Empire fell? Tha mothafuckin Dark Ages, bitch! That's right! Without Italian domination the whole European continent fell into a thousand year slump of religious hypocrisy, feudal wars and the Bubonic Plague. And what brought mankind out of this slump? A little thing you might've heard of called the Italian Renaissance! Yeah, that's right! Suck it up your ass!



*So yeah, I'm not full Italian, but Tiger Woods isn't full black, either. So suck it.

A Conversation with. . .

My Neighbor

knock knock knock

Me: Hey (I trailed off because I don't know her name)

Neighbor: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I saw two black boys walkin thru yer yard yesterday.

Me: What?!

Neighbor: Yeah, they jus cum thru the front yard right there and along thru the back on to my yard.

Me: Niggers? Thru my yard?
(She was quickly taken aback but regained her composure almost instantly.)

Neighbor: Yeah, two little nigger boys jus walked thru yer yard yesterday.

Me: Well, what were they doin'?

Neighbor: Well (she sighed) I got this dirt bike in my back yard and I think they were aimin' ta steal it. But I just stood there and glared at 'em.

Me: Well if I've got nigger boys walkin' thru my yard I better go buy a chain to tie up the lawn mower.

Neighbor: I wuz jus thinkin' that. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they tried to steal yer lawn mower. (We keep it on our back patio unlocked)

Me: Well, I appreciate you lookin' out for us. If I see anything strange going on, I'll let you know.

Neighbor: Alright then. Bye.

Me: Bye. (I turned and yelled to Bekki) Get the guns out the closet, Bekki! We got niggers, again!

A Conversation with. . .

Prince Gomolvilas

What a long, awkward trip it's been. Here's the breakdown for those who haven't been paying attention: The Catalyst, The Backlash , followed promptly by A Lot of Soul Searching, and then the birth of Artistic Respect , and now this. . .


ring, ring, ring

Prince: Hello?

Me: Yello! Talk to me.

Prince: Hello?

Me: Yello!

Prince: Ok. Who is this?

Me: It's me. You know, your online love interest.

Prince: Mike Valentino?

Me: In the flesh. The hot, sultry, pornographic flesh. How I got your number is not important, so don't ask. I just thought it was time that the relationship move up to the next plateau.

Prince: Wow. Uh. . . I don't know what to say. Mike, we don't have a relationship. You're married, remember? And I'm an entertainer. I'm a playwright. I work with make-believe.

Me: Of course I know I'm married. I love my wife very much. Are you saying I don't? Because if you are then we've got a problem.

Prince: Calm down. I didn't realize how much you Southerners loved your wives.

Me: Actually it's just me. Most Southerners only pretend to love their wives because some preacher told them they'll go to Hell if they don't. I am actually deeply, deeply in love with my wife. She told me I could pursue you on the side, though. She said you appeared "clean".

Prince: Well, I'm flattered, but you do know that you can't tell if a person is an STD carrier by mere appearances, right?

Me: STD? Ha Ha Ha. You big city fellas with your abbreviations. Ha Ha.

Prince: Anyways. . . Mike, I'm NOT gay.

Me: Huh?

Prince: It's an act. I figured that being Asian wasn't enough to make me stand out in California, so I created this gay persona. I'm even more of a minority than before. It's fabulous.

Me: I didn't think homosexuals were considered minorities in California. Huh. You learn something new everyday. Well (sighs with discontentment) I've gotta go shave my legs. I'll talk to you later, PrinceyPoo!

Prince: Ok, bye then.

Prince hangs up the phone and shakes his head in shame. "Wow" he says to himself. "What a fucking queer".