Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Spread the Love Like Mustard

There's nothing wrong with spreading a little love, right? And if the red flags of sarcasm are being waved unintentionally, I suppose I'm flattered. So thank you, Prince.

I mean. . . "fuckin' queer. Boy, nothin I hate more in this world than a queer. Cept maybe a nigger. Babydoll! Bring Daddy a beer!"

But my dilemma is, Prince invited me to be his friend on Myspace. That's wonderful. I feel like a princess (makes the sound of vomiting) that the social elite of California would consider me "five minutes in a broom closet" worthy, but if I allow him to see all of my pictures where I look somewhat less than "ass-tap-able" then maybe the love will stop. And that must not happen.

Gee, what's a heterosexual, married NC resident male have to do to keep a homosexual CA playwright interested in a nonsexual relationship? Aw shucks! (kicks at a rock and pulls up overalls) I cain't never get me sum man love!

*The man in the picture is totally me. Oh, and Prince, If I was gay, single and living in Cali we'd definitely have a fags night out. You're the cats meow!


Peter Varvel said...

If you were gay, single, and living in Cali, I would get in line.
I never mind Prince's sloppy seconds. It's usually more lubed up, that way.

Mike Valentino said...

i'm sorry. i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.

Peter Varvel said...

Also a good lube substitute . . . "I've heard."

(love the photo of your chihuahua-dachshund mix, btw)

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Mike, your "somewhat less than 'ass-tap-able'" photos are a necessity for a long term obsession. If all your pics were perfectly airbrushed, I would use them up once and throw them out along with that handful of sticky, wet tissues in my hand. 'Cuz you know, those types of pics are so so shallow, and shallow is fleeting. But if some of them were real, or at least give the impression of your human-ness, that would make you more endearing, and this stalking could continue for a very long time. SO GIMME. NOW.

THE QUESTION: "Gee, what's a heterosexual, married NC resident male have to do to keep a homosexual CA playwright interested in a nonsexual relationship?"

THE ANSWER: Never admit to the playwright that the relationship will always be nonsexual. Lie and make him think you're "curious" for as long as you can to keep it convincing.

Mike Valentino said...

yes. I'm very curious. If I use myself as an example of what male on male relations would be like, I can safely assume that it would be awkward, uncoordinated and very, very short lived.

And Mr. Varvel, I will surely pass the compliment on to Dixie. she always loves to hear from her fans. (chihuahua + dauschund = ChaWeenie)