Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Hillbilly Speaks

-Or-
A Feeble Attempt at Silencing Regional Stereotypes


In response to Prince's repeated references to me being a "Hillbilly" which clearly I have too many teeth to meet the requirements, I feel it is my utmost duty to rectify these slandering remarks by somewhat detailing my arduous travel from the sunny coasts of Charleston to the wooded hills of Southern Appalachia. OR I gotta set sum shit straight.

About a hundred years ago my family was swept up in the mass migration of Sicilians that were seeking refuge from the oppressive mafioso that basically dominated the local politics of Sicily. They settled in the historic town of Charleston, SC long after the Civil War had crushed the antebellum society and civic pride that the once large and prosperous city had. The correlation between myself and slave owning aristocrats is, therefore, nothing more than a humorous stereotype. While on the subject of stereotypes, I must also point out that my wife and I are far from the "downtrodden Southerners", because although my kin were not slave owning aristocrats, they were somewhat aristocratic (although at what some consider the tale-end of that self-gratifying echelon).

So, as I blossomed into adulthood and found a bride in my childhood sweetheart, I came to see my standing as King-like in the midst of rural Southerners and, on the other hand, pauper-like while amongst my own (My own being the private school attending, cocaine sniffing, imported car driving and imported beer drinking aristocrats). And so naturally my wife and I made that arduous trip from prosperous Charleston to the hills of North Carolina where folks place commerce long behind God and family. We enjoy the slower pace of life and the simplicity that surrounds us and, for the moment, are completely contented.

* These are pictures from a few years back of a Charlestonian "night on the town" to prove that we aren't THAT backwards. Oh, and Prince, if you keep saying things like this: "Mike, please do no die before I get to suck you off while your wife's back is turned", Bekki won't let us continue our friendship. She thinks you might be a bad influence. She's probably right. That's why I find you so hip, like an Asian James Dean. You are a Hoosier, right?

10 comments:

Memphis Steve said...

Sicilian eh? I married a woman who his part Italian and part German. It seems that no matter how I try to 'dialogue' with her, she's always looking to conquer something.

Mike Valentino said...

Mr. Memphis- Your wife is very blessed, then. Goombahs DO own the world, you know. Refer to my previous blog for more info. Thanks for spreading the love.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Mike, I call you "hillbilly" because it's guilt by association. If you're not a hillbilly, move.

Tell Bekki that only I can fulfill her dream of the woman-on-man-on-man threeway she's always secretly dreamed about.

Your wife said...

You need not be posting my skinny pics, foo. Oh, and why not mention that you grew up on an island 2 blocks from the beach? If anything, you're an island boy. Also, Prince can talk about sucking you off all he wants. You know you like it.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Dear Mike's Wife, thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me, and it gives me a reason to live.

( . )( . ) said...

Asian James Dean. I like it.

Madley said...

Prince James, Mike and now Bekki too? STEAMED HEAT, BABY!

Mike Valentino said...

dear lord
the plot thickens

Peter Varvel said...

To "(.)(.)" - are those eyeballs or boobies, that moniker?

Prince Gomolvilas said...

I think it's Australian titties.

Which, as Mike's wife surely knows, is more of a threat than I am. (Or at least let's get her to keep thinking that.)