Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Testicles Revisited

Defending Hank Williams, Jr.'s testicles seems like an almost hopeless cause. With his outspoken endorsement of ex-presidential candidate John McCain via a complete re-working of his classic country-music hit Family Tradition, any attempt at explaining away his crooked stance appears in vain. Not since George Lucas returned to his seminal masterpiece Star Wars has an artist butchered their former work with such disregard for its initial splendor. Country-music fans everywhere now feel the shame and helplessness that sci-fi nerds have felt ever since Lucas added that horribly cartoonish song and dance routine into Return of the Jedi.

After hearing the remake of Family Tradition (now McCain/Palin Tradition), the realization of what the song and the artist are capable of destroys any nostalgia that the work once held. It's like seeing the girl you took home from the bar lying on your bed in the light of morning. She doesn't look so hot now, does she? Meanwhile, she's just realizing the only reason she sucked your nasty dick in the first place was because Lil' Wayne's song Dick Pleaser was blasting at the club. Now, both of you are sitting there with your goodies hanging out searching aimlessly for the words that will alleviate the awkwardness of the situation. And now whenever you reach into your "spank bank" for her bad dye-job jumping around on your lap, all your left with is the image of a digitalized Jabba the Hutt singing McCain/Palin Tradition.

But then your buddy reminds you that you're the type of douche that goes to clubs where they play Dick Pleaser over the sound system. And once you realize that you spend more time in front of the mirror than your 13 year old niece (who, by the way, has Dick Pleaser as her Myspace default song) you're forced to agree with your friend and say, "yes, i am indeed a douche". Now you're left with a mild dilemma- Do you pursue your new-found morality and taste or do you tap your toes when McCain/Palin Tradition comes on and say to yourself that it's not that bad? Either way you're exposed as the shallow fuck that you are. But don't worry, everyone else is tapping their toes as well.

Thanks to my wife, Bekki, for providing the Lucas/Williams comparison during a heated discussion at Chili's last week.


Peter Varvel said...

"all your left with is the image of a digitalized Jabba the Hutt singing McCain/Palin Tradition."
Now I'm hard.

quin browne said...


bekki rules.

ps and peter more than likely is.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Did you get the Awesome Blossom?

Mike Valentino said...

Prince- You're thinking of Outback. Chili's doesn't have an awesome anything.