Thank You

In a CNN interview Wednesday, President George W. Bush admitted that he had certain "regrets" concerning his presidency. Perhaps the president has forgotten about the 23% that still think he's doing a great job. His own self-criticism is a slap in the face to myself and other patriots who stand behind our commander in chief during these tough times of economic turmoil and political upheaval. How dare President Bush give an ounce of thought to his possible past indiscretions. There's an old saying in Charleston. I think it's in Washington, too. I know we use to say it in Charleston. It goes, "If you don't study your history, you'll repeat yourself. . . you'll repeat history. . . If you study history, you'll fail theology". I don't know, but the point is, history is overrated.

As infuriated as I was, I continued to read on. What distressed me most is that President Bush has completely ignored the fact that his admitted "blunders" have actually boosted our lagging economy. In the CNN interview, Bush expresses regret over the "Mission Accomplished" banner hanging aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. Really? Do you realize how many Mission Impossible DVD's were sold after that? Plus it acted as free advertisement for Mission Impossible 3. Yes, Mission Impossible 3 was terrible, but I think we can all agree that it had more to do with Tom Cruise becoming riddled with dementia than Bush's public endorsement. Kudos to you, President Bush, for having the courage to stand behind Tom Cruise when others would not. (That's a shot at you, Spielberg!)

The interview also claims that Bush has mixed feelings concerning his remarks that Osama Bin Laden was "wanted dead or alive". You may have mixed feelings about this, Mr. Bush, but New Jersey thanks you. This allowed for Bon Jovi to steal the show during the Concert for New York City following the 9/11 terrorist attacks with their massive hits "Livin' on a Prayer" and, you guessed it, "Wanted Dead or Alive". Is it any wonder why Bon Jovi got a resurgence in popularity? So the next time you see those Stock Market numbers jump up like Michele Obama's ass in a Ludacris video, thank yourself, Mr. President. Thank yourself, because I already have.

Soy Breast Milk

For those of you who read this somewhat regularly, you may be aware that my vehicle died on me a few weeks back. Well, the long search for a new car is over. After getting a great deal from Johnny Car-salesman, I am now the proud owner of TWO Kia Rios.



There are a lot of choices these days when it comes to buying a car. There are also a lot of factors that weigh into the equation such as gas prices, green technology for the environment and the economy affecting loans and interest rates. I chose color. What screams America louder than a white sedan? George Wallace? Perhaps. But what confuses me is why "environmentalists" keep pushing these hybrid cars when they are obviously not fully committed to the cause. What may the cause be? Al Gore and the Liberati may lead you to believe that they're fighting for the well-being of the planet and all of its creatures. I get the feeling it's a bit more sinister than that.

Gasoline is an American tradition. Why are liberals so intent on destroying these cornerstones of American values? Perhaps they are all secret Muslims hell-bent on eradicating freedom. Maybe their mothers stopped breast-feeding them too early. Or just maybe they hate the sweet smelling aroma of petroleum and garbage that perfumes the modern-day watering holes we call gas stations. It may smell like shit to you, but to a plumber shit smells like profit.

Why do the Liberati push hybrids so much, anyways? Because electric cars are too expensive and the average Joe Sixpack can't possibly afford one? No, it's because they want to slowly lure you away from petroleum. The liberal automotive elite understand that Americans love gasoline. So they've teamed up with the liberal scientific elite to create a car that satisfies both the environmentalist and the real American. To me that just sounds like pandering. Don't test the waters, liberal (insert noun here) elite, just jump right in and feel that cold rush of regret wash over you. Go ahead and build that two door coupe that runs on rainbows and organic milk. When you do, though, that milk better be soy. If it's not, that's just insensitive to cows and the lactose intolerant.

The Emperor Has No Credit

-Or-

A Black Man, A Socialist and Joe the Plumber Walk Into A Bar. . .

Indeed, we should all be fearful now that the far left has grabbed the reins of this great country of ours. The election of Barack Obama is not only historical for being the first time a black man has held the office of president, but for being the first time the office has been held by a socialist. Even though the election is over, we must not give up the good fight, fellow comrades. If we allow our capitalistic ideals to be watered-down by tap-dancing liberals, where does this slippery slope of greased hardwood floors and stumbling shuffle hop steps end?

Now that the most tap-dancing-ish liberal of all, Barack Obama, has defeated what five years in Hanoi could not, are we headed for a Russo-Vietnamese style communist system? Joe Wurzelbacher, better known by his nom de plume Joe the Plumber, described Obama as an experienced and accomplished tap-dancer and "almost as good as Sammy Davis, Jr." Can we possibly survive as a nation when we're being run by light-loafered reds who want to replace the 3-count time step with the "one step closer to socialism" followed by a gancho and enchufla?

In the words of Joe the Plumber's parents who went on welfare twice during Joe's childhood, NO! Spreading the wealth is as un-American as race-mixing or gay marriage. But to those who embrace a changing America, the newly announced engagement of Gregory Hines and Sammy Davis, Jr. probably comes as a pleasant surprise especially considering the fact that both of them are dead. Just a friendly reminder, even though they're no longer living, like Obama, they are both definitely black. So as ballrooms across America morph into time-traveling Slip-n-Slides aimed at 1950's-styled McCarthyism, we can rest easy on the knowledge that at least in the 1950's gays couldn't marry and blacks had their own water fountains.

JoeThePlumber.com

We Won!

Don't Vote!

It seems every other blog is urging you to vote today. So in keeping with my outlaw persona I'm telling you to do the opposite. Why vote, anyways? So you can be lumped in with those Hollywood homosexuals? Real Americans march to the beat of their own drum. So don't vote simply because the media elite tell you to, instead do what I tell you to and abstain. How can we expect our kids to if we won't?

Vote Yes On Prop 8!

I've choked on my words for long enough concerning this Prop 8 abomination. How dare those liberal/trippy-hippy/homosexual/Californian-Jews try to push their yoga-taking/pill-popping/organic-food-eating agenda on hardworking Americans like myself. It is the small town values that honest Christians like Sarah Palin and, to a lesser extent, John McCain are trying to preserve. What this country needs is more small town values.

Barack Obama claims that us small town folks cling to guns and religion. Well, if that's what he thinks then he's probably right. But what's wrong with guns and religion? We're gonna need those guns when Obamas election sparks the race war prophesied in the Bible. Lord knows the Blacks, Asians and Latinos are all packing the heat, so why do the Jews in Washington insist on unarming law-abiding white citizens? That's the question you have to ask yourself come election day. And religion? Well, if Barack Obama views religion as a crutch that simple folk use to their advantage, I have one thing to say to him: You may win this election with your smooth talk and extended vocabulary, but you won't be standing in the winner's circle when the Rapture comes.

And guns and religion aren't the only things us small town folk cling to. We have a wide variety of extra-circular activities that include but are not limited to:

-smoking meth
-beating our wives
-making racist jokes
-drinking
-cashing unemployment checks
-rape
-smoking pot
-pawning our stuff
-pawning other people's stuff
-smoking more meth
-pedophilia
-and loitering

So the next time Obama and his secret Muslim buddies want to pigeon hold us small towners as simple one-dimensional hypocrites who preach acceptance but fear change, I've got one word for him: Jealous?

Mos Def '08

Mos Def uses a Star Wars analogy to announce his bid for presidency! Somewhere in America a nerd just had his first orgasm.