Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Soy Breast Milk

For those of you who read this somewhat regularly, you may be aware that my vehicle died on me a few weeks back. Well, the long search for a new car is over. After getting a great deal from Johnny Car-salesman, I am now the proud owner of TWO Kia Rios.

There are a lot of choices these days when it comes to buying a car. There are also a lot of factors that weigh into the equation such as gas prices, green technology for the environment and the economy affecting loans and interest rates. I chose color. What screams America louder than a white sedan? George Wallace? Perhaps. But what confuses me is why "environmentalists" keep pushing these hybrid cars when they are obviously not fully committed to the cause. What may the cause be? Al Gore and the Liberati may lead you to believe that they're fighting for the well-being of the planet and all of its creatures. I get the feeling it's a bit more sinister than that.

Gasoline is an American tradition. Why are liberals so intent on destroying these cornerstones of American values? Perhaps they are all secret Muslims hell-bent on eradicating freedom. Maybe their mothers stopped breast-feeding them too early. Or just maybe they hate the sweet smelling aroma of petroleum and garbage that perfumes the modern-day watering holes we call gas stations. It may smell like shit to you, but to a plumber shit smells like profit.

Why do the Liberati push hybrids so much, anyways? Because electric cars are too expensive and the average Joe Sixpack can't possibly afford one? No, it's because they want to slowly lure you away from petroleum. The liberal automotive elite understand that Americans love gasoline. So they've teamed up with the liberal scientific elite to create a car that satisfies both the environmentalist and the real American. To me that just sounds like pandering. Don't test the waters, liberal (insert noun here) elite, just jump right in and feel that cold rush of regret wash over you. Go ahead and build that two door coupe that runs on rainbows and organic milk. When you do, though, that milk better be soy. If it's not, that's just insensitive to cows and the lactose intolerant.


Peter Varvel said...

My next car is going to be the air-fueled car. It can go 35 MPH!
Congrats on the new auto!

Your wife said...

Correction: WE bought a new new, and WE own 2 Kias. I'm gonna start calling the house "my house" again.

Your wife said...

a new CAR*

Mike Valentino said...

I apologize. OUR new car.

Ziggy Za. said...

You're a riot. Congrats on the new car. Hopefully there are no highway walks in your future.

Misty Harris said...

This post made me think of the video ad I saw for a pink ambulance that "will put balls under your hood and breastmilk in your gas tank." You'd dig it.

Quin Browne said...

you could have bought my slk 320.

it gets 35mpg, and it's not the size of a jelly bean, and it has a nifty roof.