Monday, November 3, 2008

Vote Yes On Prop 8!

I've choked on my words for long enough concerning this Prop 8 abomination. How dare those liberal/trippy-hippy/homosexual/Californian-Jews try to push their yoga-taking/pill-popping/organic-food-eating agenda on hardworking Americans like myself. It is the small town values that honest Christians like Sarah Palin and, to a lesser extent, John McCain are trying to preserve. What this country needs is more small town values.

Barack Obama claims that us small town folks cling to guns and religion. Well, if that's what he thinks then he's probably right. But what's wrong with guns and religion? We're gonna need those guns when Obamas election sparks the race war prophesied in the Bible. Lord knows the Blacks, Asians and Latinos are all packing the heat, so why do the Jews in Washington insist on unarming law-abiding white citizens? That's the question you have to ask yourself come election day. And religion? Well, if Barack Obama views religion as a crutch that simple folk use to their advantage, I have one thing to say to him: You may win this election with your smooth talk and extended vocabulary, but you won't be standing in the winner's circle when the Rapture comes.

And guns and religion aren't the only things us small town folk cling to. We have a wide variety of extra-circular activities that include but are not limited to:

-smoking meth
-beating our wives
-making racist jokes
-drinking
-cashing unemployment checks
-rape
-smoking pot
-pawning our stuff
-pawning other people's stuff
-smoking more meth
-pedophilia
-and loitering

So the next time Obama and his secret Muslim buddies want to pigeon hold us small towners as simple one-dimensional hypocrites who preach acceptance but fear change, I've got one word for him: Jealous?

7 comments:

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Oh, Mike, you make me laugh...although I'm awaiting the day that you will be unwittingly co-opted by the far right. You will be their hero--and they won't be in on the joke. You can do a movie like "Borat!"

(By the way, have you seen "Borat?" You will LOVE it, I just know it.)

Misty Harris said...

"You may win this election with your smooth talk and extended vocabulary, but you won't be standing in the winner's circle when the Rapture comes."

LMAO!!! Sometimes your tongue is planted so far in your cheek, I wonder if it's leaving a bruise. Another genius post.

Peter Varvel said...

Applause! I was already smiling before I got half way through the opening paragraph.
Genius, indeed.
And MV, you know that there are at least two Asians out here on the west coast that are packed and heated for you . . .

Mike Valentino said...

Prince- We've discussed this before, I WILL NOT come over to your house and watch Borat with you. I know where "necking" leads with you.

Misty- Obviously you think I'm smarter than I am. Sarcasm, satire and sodomy are only a few of the ancient arts that are lost to me.

Varvel- I guess you didn't smile hard enough when reading this post. That or you didn't vote hard enough to defeat Prop 8. I voted so hard that it got counted three times!

Prince and Peter- There's a line in a Biggie Smalls song where he says, "Girl, you look so good I'd suck on your daddy's dick". That always makes me think of you guys.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

"Girl, you look so good I'd suck on your daddy's dick".

...That has got to the greatest line ever in the history of music. Seriously.

The Over-Thinker said...

I'm pretty sure I love you. You make me pee myself.

Mike Valentino said...

Mrs Overthinker- I love you too, pee-soaked underwear and all!