Hank Jr. Still Has Large Testicles

Oh, Hank, say it ain't so. I was watching CNN the other night and was horrified to hear that Hank Williams Jr. is in support of John McCain. Can this be so? Not fully trusting CNN's credentials, I rushed to the internet for a more reliable source- some random blog. Yes, it's true. Bocephus will be playing at upcoming John McCain rallies.

Williams has a history of right wing, gun toting politics, but I was still hopeful that maybe time had changed him. Johnny Cash was a life-long member of the Republican Party until he came to his senses in old age. Merle Haggard repented for a life spent in the conservative trenches and spoke out against George W. Bush and the current administration. And Willie Nelson-well, Willie was always pretty much a liberal nut-job. But the point is that when men age they lose testosterone and in return gain a heaping dose of common sense. Despite everything Williams has said and done in the past, I was hoping against hope that his testicles had finally shrunken in circumference. Maybe by 2012 his balls will be smaller than mine.

Maverick McCain Lets the Colored Folk Speak

Everyone's over-exaggerating what John McCain said the other night during the debate. So what if he referred to Barrack Obama as "that one"? It's alot better than some of the things he called Obama during the rehearsal including "my dark-skinned opponent", "that colored fella" and, of course, "that stupid nigger". So what's worse, people? Give McCain a little credit. It's not everyday that a Republican is reduced to debating "the help" on national television.

God Bless John McCain for having the decency to let that "spear chucker" speak. I know that there are alot of folks who are going to call McCain a "liberal" for talking with blacks, but I think the word they're really looking for would be 'Maverick'.

Asheboro Zoo

The other day, Bekki and I went to the Asheboro Zoo with our good friends from Charleston, Amanda and Lisa. It was a blast. Amanda is from Asheboro so she got to show us around a little bit. She drives like a maniac, but that's ok. The zoo was mad funky. I wanted to bring the bobcats home with us. Amanda took a bunch of pictures with her digital camera. I had to get all old-school with the disposable. I'm sure to post more when she emails them to me, including a picture of me performing fellatio on a bison. Word? Word. So stay tuned.

I looked for Austin on my way home from work today. I know that little bastard's ducking me. I can feel it. Normally he's playing outside after school, but today he was nowhere to be seen. I think his mom's tipping him off when she sees my car coming. Oh, and at the zoo I saw a polar bear. He seemed to be doing just fine, Mr. Gore. And, Austin, when I can finally afford to buy that Bobcat from the zoo, watch your tail.

Calamari

-Or-

What Foreskin Would Look Like If You Deep-Fried It

I finally watched An Inconvenient Truth last night and was astonished to learn the extent Al Gore will go in order to remain in the spotlight. You lost the election, Gore. Why don't you go grow a beard or something? I am now fully convinced that "global warming" is nothing but a bunch of liberal Jews complaining that it's too hot outside. What are they whining about, don't they all eventually move down to Florida, anyway? Plus, everyone knows that polar bears are on the endangered species list and if you can't hunt them, who cares if they drown?

Bekki and I ran into Austin, today. He was selling mail-order chocolate a few weeks back for his school. Now a few weeks later I'm $9 in the hole with still no chocolate to speak of. I asked him what the deal was and he said "I don't know. It must have got lost in transit!" That lying little s.o.b. Now I've got to call his school and find out when the chocolate got mailed out so I can officially catch him in a lie. I figure his mom spent my $9 on two packs of cigarettes and a can of soda down at the gas station, which STILL doesn't have gas, thank you! Oh, nice Smart car, Varvel. What's the mpg on that thing? And, yeah, who's that hot girl standing next to it?

And since all the women want to argue with me about child birth and images of women in the media AND since Prince gave me such a great jumping block for a topic I've been wanting to rant on for some time, here it is: Circumcision is wrong! It serves no medical purpose whatsoever! Your baby is not a handbag with a strap that's too long or a pair of pants that needs to be hemmed up. I, like Sarah Palin, am pro-choice. I think the abortion decision should be left to the woman and her rapist, but once that child is born (this is for Rabbi's, pedophiles and parents everywhere) keep your hands off your child's dick!

Queen Latifah is a Maverick

Thanks to a certain Homosexual for posting the SNL clip parodying the VP debate. I was attending a late night book burning down here in Dixie and missed last Saturday's episode. I know it's somewhat taboo for a white man to be with a colored woman, but does anyone else think Queen Latifah is all that and a bag of chips? I watched every season of Living Single growing up and loved her short-lived talk-show. I still haven't seen Set It Off or any of her lesser films (save Beauty Shop), but I think I've seen enough of her to consider myself a fan. I wonder if she has a fan club.

And even with breast reduction surgery, Queenie, you'll always be my BBW.

the business of being born

As I mentioned earlier, Bekki and I recently got a new DVD player after our cat, Clementine, broke the old one. After watching Milo and Otis being thrown off of cliffs, we decided to sign up for Netflix in order to receive a better selection than our local Wal-Mart has to offer. The first viewing was The Business of Being Born, a 2008 documentary directed by Abby Epstein and produced by Ricki Lake.

Ricki Lake was not my first choice of talk-show host to see naked and giving birth in a bathtub (Queen Latifah, anyone?), but I have to admit that it was probably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was a ballet of nature and humanity that held you truly riveted. To see that little rascal (no, not Buckwheat) slide out of Ricki Lake's cooter into the water was a shock to the system and one of those reaffirmations you sometimes have that life is truly beautiful. Words fall short in describing this spectacle.

If there are any expecting mothers reading this out there in blog-country, watch this film! Remember that you have options about your own body, no matter what Sarah Palin thinks.

Re: Bad Sum Bitch

This post is in response to the worst blog post I have ever written, Bad Sum Bitch. The post was horrible not only for its subject matter but for its style as well. It is as childishly rudimentary as it is unimaginative. I would also like to recant the statements made concerning vulgarity and adopt my previous held philosophy that writers use swear words as a cop-out for more descriptive adjectives (nouns are still fun!). I still find it acceptable, though, to use biblical swears such as hell, damn and bastard. Here's why:

I took Dirt, my 20+ year old cat, to the vet today. He was a trooper as always. No cat carrier for this guy. He sat on my lap completely calm the whole time. He did, however, throw a major temper tantrum in the office. It is hard to be angry with him, considering some big black dude was pushing a cold thermometer up his boonky. I know some cats that might find this exhilarating, but not Dirt. I got him some pills for a respiratory bug that he's got and, hopefully, all is well.

How does this tie in to my use of biblical or 'old, crotchety man' swears? If I refused myself the right to use these words, how would I talk about my blog? I'd probably have to rename it and everyone knows that I'm a stickler for tradition. What would I scream out when I stubbed my toe? And, of course, I'd have to toss out all of Dirts Wu-Tang records and never mention his namesake, Old Dirty Bastard, again. Forget that stuff!