Monday, November 17, 2008

Culture Wars

It seems now more than ever our great nation has been divided. Divided by the election of the very man set to bring change and unity. It is completely irrelevant that this division is being caused by his detractors, because if Obama didn't want America to get raped he shouldn't have made her look so democratic. Now, in these waning days of Babylon, it seems we have an all out culture war on our hands. The Mormons are fighting Homosexuals, Wanda Sykes is fighting California, whites are fighting Barack Obama and I'm fighting the urge not to take to the streets with my loaded .22's. It is a strange and polarizing time we live in, but below I've constructed an easy to follow outline that clearly separate these warring factions so sides can be chosen fairly and definitively.

The Mormons vs. Homosexuals
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believes that marriage should be between one man and as many women as possible. Homosexuals believe that Barbara Streisand is actually entertaining.

Wanda Sykes vs. California
Sykes, a strong black comedienne and now an outspoken homosexual, believes that Proposition 8 should be overturned. California, the highest populated state in the Union, now has the highest population of people who believe what Wanda Sykes does in the privacy of her own home is not only morally wrong but not nearly as funny as what she does in public.

Obama vs. Rural America
President-Elect Barack Obama believes that positive change can only be brought to America by unwavering unity and understanding. Rural white Americans believe that burning black effigies in their yards is a suitable reply.

So whether or not you side with the Mormons, a group who revere a man who claimed to have talked with God and then moved out West to practice polygamy or Wanda Sykes, a woman who reveres Barack Obama, a man who still claims that he is in no way a secret Muslim and will very shortly be moving to Washington DC to practice politics, let us ALL agree that our hidden prejudices and crippling fears are what makes us more than Republicans or Democrats, but Americans above all else.


Peter Varvel said...

Don't Forget the Gay Christian Asians vs. Themselves!

The Over-Thinker said...

I'm just in awe of the fact that you have more than one .22. Can I borrow the 2nd one? I have a date with Wanda tomorrow and I want to bring it along to the Crazy 8's rally. I'll polish it up all nice before I return it. I swear on an LDS bible that I will.

Ziggy Za. said...

I'm pretty sure that was the most hilarious but serious blog I've ever read. Kudos.

"...and I'm fighting the urge not to take to the streets with my loaded .22's."

My sentiments exactly. Expect I would roam the streets with my Remington Model 870 shotgun. Got it after the election. Almost sold out for some reason; odd.