Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Of Mice and Menstrual Cramps

What is it with people divulging all of their innermost secrets onto anyone who'll listen? I'm not your friend, roommate or relative so why is it so important for you that I know the monthly pains you suffer due to your placenta or your clitoris or whatever it is up there that shrivels up and dies every four weeks. I don't care. And furthermore, why is it expected of me to be polite when people are giving me these novellas of pain and hardship. Is it really that uncouth to respond when you tell me about your sexual encounters by saying, "Ooh, bitch, you nasty!"? I don't think so. In fact, I think it is perfectly suitable for the situation. If you think it's alright to describe your lower back tattoo as a "cum-catcher" in mixed company then I have no qualms with randomly throwing out the statistics of STD carriers and every disgusting sign and symptom (scabs, rashes and blisters included).

I walked into the break room today to find a female co-worker narrating to a small audience all about her love for her deceased father. I came in on the tale end of her description of the first time he raped her. She's forgiven him, though. No worries. So as she stood there rambling on about that damn farm she'd always dreamed of, I placed a 44 to the back of her head. She died with a smile on her face. They can't hurt you now, Lennie. Keep dreaming.

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4 comments:

Prince Gomolvilas said...

"If you think it's alright to describe your lower back tattoo as a "cum-catcher" in mixed company then I have no qualms with randomly throwing out the statistics of STD carriers and every disgusting sign and symptom (scabs, rashes and blisters included)."

...Wait wait wait. You mean this is NOT okay to talk about in public? I never go that note. (By the way, I've never heard that description before, but now I am going to use it ALL THE TIME.)

Mike Valentino said...

It is a pretty funny and descriptive phrase, but I thought it was a tad out of place at the church daycare where I work. But, she's the preacher, so who am I to say otherwise, right?

Quin Browne said...

incest; a game the whole family can play!!

Peter Varvel said...

Incest is best
Put your brother to the test
Let your sister do the rest
If your father doth molest
And your mother gets undressed
There's no need to be modest
It is useless to protest
Don't be a whiny pest
Let the STD's infest
In your coochie as a guest
In your pubies they will nest
Such tradition t'aint no jest
In the south, a noble quest
If it leaves you feeling stressed
In my mantra please invest
That, indeed, incest is best