Monday, September 8, 2008

An Open Letter to a Reclusive Bitch

Dear Jane,

I'm sorry I teased you earlier. I just think it's cute that you finally found someone that you LIKE, let alone find sexually attractive! I promise to never poke you in the tummy while singing the Kitty Cat Song , again. I'll be frank for a second, though. Jane, you're a bitch. I'm sorry but there's no other way to put it. And I hate to use that word. Despite our feelings toward each other, I am happy that you've found someone. I just hope that he feels the same towards you. I know that you're shy (is that why you never leave the kitchen?), so I took the liberty of posting a picture of you making a mayonnaise sandwich in the hopes that your crush, Pork Chop , would see you and fall madly in love.

No, you're not fat, Jane. You're beautiful just the way you are. It doesn't matter to Pork Chop that you weigh 14 pounds. Trust me. I've got it on good authority that he's into heavy chicks, anyways. But, if you did want to slim down, I don't think the mayonnaise sandwiches are going to do it.



Prince Gomolvilas said...

Pork Chop is panting with lust and pawing at the computer. But I'm not sure if he's after Jane or mayonnaise sandwiches.

Quin Browne said...

wait a goldurned minute.

pork chop has made overtures to sophie, a sleek 4 lb tabby kitten...
(no mention as to who she belongs to)

so, is he a cad or a member of the fldc? (fundamentalist latter day cats)

let me warn you, sophie tucker don't take no back seat to some other cat!

Peter Varvel said...

Sophie Fucker ("I will never forget it, you know!")
This is the only kind of pussy I like.
Mike, ask Prince to sing you his song about "making ketchup and mayonaise sandwiches." It's a cult classic from his Jukebox Stories show that just may entice half a chub outta you, for his lean, skinny little Thai American frame.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Dude, I cannot imagine Pork Chop being able to paw anything. Moving itself is pretty hard, no? }=p

Also, Jane is sooo cute. How old is the little bitch?