Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Personal History Vol. 3

The Education of a Random Queer

Ever been motioned to suck someone's dick in a public restroom? I have. The first time this fucker approached me, I was oblivious to his intentions. He threw sum corny pickup line on me about having seen me at the Pantheon. I had no idea what the Pantheon was, so I politely told him that we had never met. Bekki had a good laugh when she informed me that the Pantheon was one of the gay bars in downtown Charleston. I would be lying to say that I didn't find it a little amusing. The second time all I felt was uncomfortable.

Between classes I run into this guy again. I know what he wants. He knows that I'm straight, that or the most naive queer around. There's nothing wrong with persistence, so I politely inform him that I'm flattered, but also engaged. He seems to take this rejection nicely. In all honesty, though, if I WERE gay, I would be way out of this guy's league. He was huge, taller than me and thick. He was bordering on obese and his face looked like a worn-out catcher's mitt.

I have to admit that I was taken off guard when he walked into the bathroom. I was standing there with my dick out, pissing, and in walks this hulk of a queer behind me. I glance over my shoulder to see what he's doing and he motions me to follow him into the stall! I should have strangled him to death with my belt, but was so uncomfortable that I chose flight as my response instead. I gained my composure quickly and when he I ran into him for the fourth time in the parking lot that day, flight was not the response I chose.

I'm walking to my truck and I hear a whistle. I turn to see this fat fucker sitting in his car with sum other queer and he's looking at me and smiling. So what do I do? I walk to my truck and dig thru my shit. I finally pull out the billy club my grandfather gave me and place it on the seat (just in case). Then I calmly walk to his car. He's leaning out the window now with this big goofy grin on his face. Maybe he thought I had finally given in to his advances. I don't know, but what he got was a rapid succession of bare knuckles and vulgarities. It took him a second to rise from his car and pursue me as I strolled back to my truck. But one glance of the billy club I was waving sent him right back along his path.

The moral of this story? There is none. This is just a personal history about me and my perceptions. That's all we are, anyways, random balls of perceptions that sometimes bounce off each other.

*Vincent asked me if my anger would have been as intense with a female suitor. My answer now is the same as it was back then: probably, but less bloodshed I'm sure.


Prince Gomolvilas said...

I've already beat off to this story twice.

Peter Varvel said...

A mouth is a mouth is a mouth.
Heh. You said "random balls" and "bounce off each other."

Quin Browne said...

you two...

go stand in the corner.... alone. with your hands on top of the head on your shoulders.

sorry, mike. you can't take them anywhere.

ps am i the only one who finds irony in the fact my word verification is rcumhqo?

Your wife said...

Remember when you told this story to a few people and they said that you committed a hate crime? LOL. That use to piss me off terribly.

Mike Valentino said...

I'm an outlaw. Fellas, lock up your fellas. I'm here to do sum queer bashing.